Home > Poetry > My feelings are a mess…

My feelings are a mess.

I try and I try to compartmentalize

And organize

To sort through the rummage

And rattle through my brain

To tear apart the shambles

And grasp empty handedly at straws of pain

I’m putting myself under a microscope

Only it’s big and it’s heavy and it’s crushing me

I’m trying to understand all these chemicals rushing

But all I understand is that it’s like waves running

It is unpredictable and scary

So I regress to hiding in blankets

And eating bowls and bowls of dairy

I push it all down

Not letting anything get to the heavy

But gravity doesn’t work in the human body

Because everything’s coming back up

It’s creeping, flowing through my veins

Encasing my heart

And stopping it

It’s slowly makes its way to me head and then my brain

Blood vessels being cut off from any logic

And feeling only utter pain

It’s taken over the system that should keep me from getting nervous

It’s sending messages

Blackmailing

Telling me to feel something else

Feel anything but the satisfaction I knew too well

This virus, this illness, this disease

It’s a solid brick

Weighs a few hundred tons

It pulls me down and drags me around

I’m losing all control of my emotions

Because now I don’t know what I feel

All I know is that it’s not happy

It’s just pain and suffering all mixed in with anguish

Depression has its claws wrapped around me

Like an anchor, and I’m a feather

I peel off the layers off my skin

Hoping to reveal a fact

But all I hear are questions

Like my soul is an undiscovered artifact

I search from ear to toe to kidney

And twiddle all my split ends

I’m searching for snow in 103-degree weather

Hopeless.

 

My feelings are a mess.

But my soul is patched together.

I’m trying to answer these questions

And get used to the weather.