you tell me that I am ugly and worthless
treat me like I am your science experiment
dissecting and analyzing, condensing me into an invisible blob of imperfection
every time I gaze at myself in the mirror, I have to look away
walk away, to get the tweezers, to climb under my sheets, to shave off the endlessly growing hair, to conceal up the pimples, to slather pounds of eyeshadow and lipstick hoping it’ll give some sort of illusion, to have another panic attack, to flip through more useless magazines, to spend more money on Sephora, to fix everything I know I can never truly fix.
I want to tear my body apart
stranded in my own mind
surrounded by this overwhelming world of allure and perfection
magazines and models mock me as I crumble within my imperfections
crumbling faster into my self, into pills and razors, seconds away from my already fragile heart
I apply layers of liner and lipstick that has drained not only my money but my soul as well
with each layer I am hiding behind the image of a girl I never wanted to be, just what I was told I should be
I stare for hours on end in a mirror
a mirror that shrouds me in a consuming mask of disgusting
my body feels disgusting
and you stare and stare at me
heavy straps holding down my limbs, the cold air taunting my brown skin, your piercing eyes demolishing my being
like a science experiment
like I am yours to dissect, all of me
for your taking
for you to pull me apart
drown me further into this abyss of self-hate and jealousy
like I came out of the womb with a label on my far from perfect forehead reading “deserving of hate and disgust and pain solely for the way she looks”
BUT I AM NOT.
I am beautiful and strong.
intelligent and radiant.
my body, my lumps and humps, my curves, my hair, my fingers, my hips, my butt, my thighs, my belly, it’s all mine.
and it is fucking beautiful.
the coarse dark hair embellished on my long legs, the fat on my belly, my hips, my nose, my entire body is beautiful.
the human body, in its most natural state, is beautiful.
pimples and fat, hair and scars, it has all been constructed into “ugly,” “ugly and disgusting”
but it is is anything but.
we have been conditioned into repairing and hating our imperfections
but our imperfections are perfection.
our bodies are beautiful.
my body, all of me, is beautiful.
I am no one’s experiment.
I am not a theory to pull apart and analyze
I am not a theory to define and discuss
I am fact.
and the fact is, I am beautiful.